If that does not occur, the other partner initiates a sensual or play date during the following week. Couples who accept this without guilt or blaming and try again when they are receptive and responsive will have a vital, resilient sexual relationship.ġ8) If the couple has gone two weeks without any sexual contact, the partner with higher desire takes the initiative to set up a planned or spontaneous sexual date. Five – to – fifteen percent of sexual experiences are mediocre or failures. A positive, realistic expectation is that fifty percent of experiences are very good for both partners twenty percent are very good for one partner (usually the man) and fine for the other twenty percent are acceptable but not remarkable. It is self – defeating to demand equal desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction each time. Healthy sexuality is voluntary, mutual and pleasure – orientated.ġ7) Realistic expectations are crucial for maintaining a healthy sexual relationship. ![]() Sexuality is neither a reward nor a punishment. Medical problems and side effects of medication can interfere with sexual desire and function.ġ5) Sexually has a number of positive functions – a shared pleasure, a means to reinforce and deepen intimacy, and a tension reducer to deal with the stresses of life and marriage.ġ6) “Intimate coercion” is not acceptable. These include the use of fantasy and erotic scenarios, as well as sex associated with special celebrations or anniversaries, sex with the goal of conception, sex when feeling caring and close, or even sex to soothe a personal disappointment.ġ3)Ğxternal turn – ons (R or X-rated videos, music, candles, visual feedback from mirrors, locations other than the bedroom, a weekend away without the kids) can elicit sexual desire.ġ4) Males and females with hormonal deficits may use testosterone injections, patches, or creams to enhance sexual desire, but only under medical supervision. 5th gear integrates pleasurable and erotic touch, which flows into intercourse.ġ2) Personal turn – ons facilitate sexual anticipation and desire. 4th gear is erotic touch (manual, oral or rubbing) to arousal and orgasm for one or both partners. 3rd gear is playful touch, which intermixes genital and non – genital touching, clothed or unclothed and may take place in bed, dancing, in the shower, or on the couch. 2nd gear is non – genital, sensual touch which can be clothed, semi – clothed, or nude (body massage, cuddling on the couch, showering together, touching while going to sleep or awakening). ![]() 1st gear is clothes on, affectionate touch (holding hands, kissing, hugging). Touching should not always leas to intercourse.ġ1)Ĝouples who maintain a vital sexual relationship can use the metaphor of touching involving “five gears”. Both partners feel free to say “no” and to suggest an alternative way to connect and share pleasure. Both the man and woman are comfortable initiating. The prescription to maintain desire is integrating intimacy, pleasuring and eroticism.ġ0) Touching occurs both inside and outside the bedroom. This involves ways of thinking, talking, anticipating and feeling which invite sexual encounters.ĩ) The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure - oriented touching. ![]() When sex occurs less than twice a month, couples become self – conscious and fall into a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, tense and unsatisfying sex and avoidance.Ĩ)Ě key strategy is to develop “her”, “his’ and “our” bridges to sexual desire. ![]() Desire is facilitated by an intimate, interactive relationship.ħ)Ĝontrary to the myth that “horniness” occurs after not being sexual for weeks, desire is facilitated by a regular rhythm of sexual activity. For couples in their twenties, the average sexual frequency is two to three times a week, for couples in their fifties, once a week.Ħ) The initial romantic love / passionate sex type of desire lasts less than two years and usually less than six months. One in three non – married couples who have been together longer than two years has a non – sexual relationship.ĥ) The average frequency of sexual intercourse is between four times a week to once in two weeks. Sexual avoidance drains intimacy and vitality from the marital bond.Ĥ) One in five married couples has a non – sexual relationship (being sexual less than ten times a year). Guilt and blame subvert the change process.ģ) Inhibited desire is the most common sexual dysfunction, affecting one in three couples. Revitalizing sexual desire is a couple task. Guidelines for revitalizing and maintaining sexual desireġ) The keys to sexual desire are positive anticipation and feeling you deserve sexual pleasure.Ģ)Ğach person is responsible for his / her desire with the couple functioning as an intimate team to nurture and enhance desire.
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